Here was someone who went hiking - often; climbing - often; and had got off her proverbial butt and followed up on her interest in San rock art and could talk knowledgeably about digs, and pottery shards and even pigments in paints...
Here was someone living what I had often dreamed of doing - but largely had not.
Yes there were periods of intense hiking, but they dwindled, have been mildly ignited, but still take a back seat.
Yes there were periods of climbing, but my ability has faded along with the photos (nothing digital about those days)... and my interest from childhood in the mysterious people who painted in trances on cave walls remains an unsatisfied interest, fed a little on cave visits and books read ... but largely unexplored.
I felt a little small. Worse: I felt like a total non-achiever. I felt I had failed to live my dreams.
I sat with that thought for a few weeks, during which period there was a slow-dawning realisation that there was more to life than hiking, climbing and digging in the dirt for artifacts.
It was not a case of turning sour grapes into wine; but more a realisation that while life is about living, you can't expect your dreams to remain unchanged by the passage of time, particularly as the vista will change with each experience.
Hiking had its place, it's period of delight in an intimacy with nature, of pitting mind and body against a goal; as did climbing... they were growth opportunities grasped and used like a passing handhold as I climbed higher.
The truth is, other opportunities came my way, offering different challenges and enabling me to acquire a different set of skills.
It is not fair of me to look back and say I've failed to live the dreams of a younger Shaz. People change and with that their dreams change to.
Looking back I am grateful for the experiences and challenges I have faced and stared down with a level head (albeit possibly with a racing heart). I have learnt and grown from being challenged in areas that climbing, hiking, and even anthropological know-how could not have done. It is not a failure to chose another path... but it was, and remains, a reminder that knowing yourself is the first step towards happiness.
